Sen. Shelby (R-AL)
From The Wall Street Journal, Republican Alabama Sen. Richard Shelby’s statement regulatory reform impasse [with my comments italicized within the brackets]:
“There are two bedrock principles on which I will not compromise [the propriety of my language hides the brazenness of my actions]: the safety and soundness of the financial system [at least the safety and soundness of my now-unimaginably generous corporate contributors] and taxpayer protection against bailouts [unless Airbus needs a bailout]. I fully support enhancing both consumer protection [ha, I don't know how lightning didn't just strike me dead there] and safety and soundness regulation [see above, and by regulation, I mean free-market pillaging of the savings of consumers]. I will not support a bill [why we don't just end it here, I'll never know] that enhances one at the expense of the other, however. [Yes, I pretty much just said I won't support any consumer protections that make banks less money.] In order to strike the appropriate balance they must be integrated with each other, not separated from each other. [And by integrated, I mean, EVEN BIGGER. Why, for example, don't banks also own airlines? Like, say Bank of Airbus?]
“Consumer protection is not the only issue that remains unresolved. [So long as consumers have ANY protections, that whole deal is unresolved, IMHO.] We must craft a resolution regime that ensures taxpayers will never again bear the losses for risks taken in the private marketplace. [See, I am not a FCINO, Carly! Please don't send the demon sheep after me!!!] I will not agree to any legislation until I am satisfied this goal [of no regulation with no consumer protections] is also achieved.
“I remain hopeful that a bipartisan agreement can be reached on these [absurd, hostage-holding demands] and other outstanding issues, including derivatives regulation [none] and corporate governance [none]. I remain willing to work with Chairman Dodd to see whether that is possible [natch].”
Thank you, and enjoy your #snomageddon!
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Chris Geidner is a lawyer in Washington, D.C., who writes at Law Dork, contributes regularly to Metro Weekly and has written for The Atlantic Online, Advocate.com, Salon and other publications. An extended biography can be found
LOVE IT. Great laughs – would laugh again!
Oh Christopher, you are too funny.